Skipping Town

Yesterday, a huge storm/tornado came through Pittsburgh and knocked power out all across the city. We've been without power ever since. It has not been convenient. The kids had a two-hour delay today. I found one place in town open for coffee and bagels. I took the kids to school then went to work. Andrew drove the Volvo to the dealership in Greensburg for some repairs. I picked the kids up at three and took them to their piano lessons at a nearby church, since the teacher also had no power. Andrew made his way back from Greensburg in an Uber because our Volvo is beyond repair. We barely have enough propane to grill anything. All of fridge food needs to be thrown away.  All four of us are now at the library to charge our devices. There is no end in sight to this outage. We do have a generator, but we've never gotten it working; Andrew called a service person today and hopefully he'll come out to repair it. In the meantime, we're living in darkness broken by a rechargeab...

Thankfully, I'm feeling a little better today. I worked from home and didn't feel quite so dishrag-like. I'll take the improvement and trust it will continue in the days ahead. Andrew and I are all booked for our trip to MD Anderson in May. I booked our hotel today. Andrew booked our flights. As my treatment shifts now to maintenance, it will be nice to have this appointment to affirm I'm doing the exact right thing.  Both kids were home at three today--their hasn't happened for weeks and weeks.  Off to have my second slice of chocolate cake today. 

This sixth and final chemo has taken me down in a way the previous five did not. I'm extremely tired and listless and spent the day either on the couch or in bed, with a break to attend Lucia's final performance of Chicago in the afternoon. Food tastes terrible, with the exception of a chocolate cake Greta made today--I may just eat the entire thing tomorrow since it's the only thing that appeals. Very very ready to move past this cycle but it doesn't seem to want to let go quite yet. Coming back from this one might take a little longer than the others. I'm trying to be patient, and to rest. It's irritating that I can't just shake it off and move on. 

I'm connecting these days together since they've all had a single focus: opening night, and the subsequent performances, of the Upper School musical, Chicago, in which Lucia is a member of the ensemble. She has been rehearsing for months, balancing late nights with schoolwork and piano practicing, and finally, on Thursday, the show was ready for the world to see. And it has been spectacular! Lucia has been thrilled with the performances. All those late nights were worthwhile. Mom and Dad came on Friday. One more show tomorrow, and then Chicago is a wrap. She'll miss it. I'm hanging in there from chemo #6, very very very tired, with some leg pain this time. I feel simultaneously blah and resolute, knowing that, this time, as my symptoms lessen, I won't be facing them again in three short weeks. That's huge. I'm ready to recover from these eighteen weeks of poison. I'm ready to not feel shaky as I type in the morning, to not hate the taste of everything ex...

Originally drafted on November 12, 2024, and finished on January 9, 2025. [Note to readers, April 24, 2025: I feel compelled to emphasize here that my chemo treatments are done, and my last CT scan in March was clear. The doom of this post, written when I was still stunned and expecting the worst, has given way to positivity and every reason to be hopeful. I debated posting this horrific account, but I’ve always been a dedicated personal archivist. This account will always be a viscerally upsetting part of my story, no matter how the story evolves.] The Story of My Diagnosis: A Portal Opens, and a New Journey Begins Sunday, November 10, 2024, was a magical day. The weather outside was perfect Pittsburgh fall: gusty rain, gloom, wind, and darkness. The girls and I were on our own--Andrew was en route to Peru for work--and after running a few errands, we settled at home for the day. We played two rounds of Unstable Unicorns--our ongoing competition for a chicken statue, which Lucia wins...

Final chemo day! I actually dreaded this one more than the others, despite my happiness that it was the last one. The anticipation of the steps I know all too well got to me this morning--the retest for neutrophils (sp) and waiting to see if chemo could move forward; the inevitable struggle to insert an IV; the twitchy awful feeling of the steroids and taxol; the long wait for the CA-125 results; the tiredness and toxicity to follow.  But! I did it. My assigned chemo nurse asked a different nurse to do the IV, and she got it in with just one try--and I barely felt it. My neutrophil (sp) retest came back with normal results, so chemo could move forward. The steroids and taxol made me extremely restless, twitchy, and anxious--it's a really awful feeling--and I tried to just do some deep, counted breathing and focus on watching Hacks. That feeling lasted for about an hour and then went away. The ice mittens and booties were unbearable as always; no way around that.  I didn't get ...

The day began with the usual pre-chemo bloodwork. I've reached the point in this journey where I have a preferred phlebotomist--the only one who doesn't have to try multiple times (shudder). I requested him this time rather than leave it to chance. My ABS neutrophils (neutrophils? I can never remember) are low again, but I never received a phone call about a retest. So we'll see what tomorrow brings. I'm guessing I'll get there, be told to go upstairs for a retest, and then proceed as I have the last two cycles.  I went into work for half a day then worked from home in the afternoon. After work, Andrew and I met up with our kitchen designer at an appliance store and began selecting our kitchen appliances. I'd be very happy just replicating the exact choices from our Maplewood kitchen; we don't need a $16,000 Sub-Zero fridge. At one point in the store, Andrew was trying to convince me we should consider an eight-burner range. (We are not getting an eight-burn...

I worked from home today and took a long walk with a friend at lunchtime. Farrah came too, and both she and I were exhausted for the rest of the day. With the final chemo so close, I am feeling more ready than ever to move on and rebuild my strength and stamina.  Greta had crew till 6:30. Lucia had musical rehearsal till 9:30--it's tech week--and is very excited for opening night on Thursday. I was in bed when she got home but managed to rally for the five minutes it took me to collect some things she needs--makeup, curling iron, stockings--for her costume.  Labs tomorrow. The usual anxiety over the CA-125. How far will my "complete neutrophils" fall this time?

Happy Easter! We got an early start with 8:00 Mass at St. Rita's. I was the only person wearing a mask in the church, but I absolutely cannot get sick this week and derail my final chemo. So be it. We took some pictures outside the church afterward. Back home, we gave the girls their Easter baskets: candy, mini Squishmallow figurines, an Easter Unicorno, a spring Miniverse blind box, a Coco Wye coloring book and pattern-drawing book, Uno No Mercy and Dutch Blitz, a pastel Trader Joe's tote, and a set of tiny Easter chicks (like the Target birds but babies in an egg carton). All very cute and well-received. Then Andrew and I went outside to hide eggs for the egg hunt. This was a risk. Some of you longtime readers will remember the infamous Slug Easter of 2018 . We haven't hidden eggs outside in Connellsville since then. But the grass was dry this morning, and we decided to tempt fate. (Spoiler alert: there were no slugs.) The girls may be teenagers, but they were still excit...

Andrew, Greta, and I spent Saturday morning at Washington's Landing to watch the Steel City crew team compete in the Rust Belt Grand Prix. Greta wanted to see some of her friends who were racing. It was a lot of fun to see an actual race and to see what Greta spends so much time doing after school. Once she gets a little more experience she'll be able to do a race herself. Once we got home, Andrew baked a carrot cake, and then we got the car loaded up (including Nutmeg) and drove to Connellsville for the weekend. We ordered pizzas from Bud Murphy's for dinner, and then watched La La Land. 

Andrew has returned! We're all happy, but Farrah is the happiest. She hasn't left his side since he made his appearance on the porch, where Farrah and I were sitting in the afternoon.  The kids did not have school today. Lucia had musical rehearsal for a few hours, and Greta went to a birthday party. I worked from home and then read.  We'll be heading to Connellsville tomorrow afternoon for Easter weekend. 

This week has seemed interminable. I went into work today but did my final meeting at home so Mom, Dad, and I could go to Phipps right at four to see the spring flower show. It closes on Sunday, so this was our last chance to see it. Beautiful as always. Afterward, we went outside to Phipps's bulb sale and all bought some bulbs. I got some hyacinths and narcissus.  Greta walked home from school. Poor Greta wasn't able to eat lunch today because she couldn't open her new stainless-steel lunch container. She was working on a science project by herself in a classroom, so there was no one to help her. The Amazon reviews all talked about this problem, but we'd attempted opening it in the morning ourselves with no problem; but the hot food formed a kind of vacuum.  Lucia had musical and then went running. Mom cooked dinner, did all the dishes, and practiced piano with the girls. Dad gave me a family history written by a great-aunt, with stories from the depression and beyond,...

I went in to the office until lunchtime today then worked from home the rest of the day. The kids had activities (musical and crew) until 6:30, so I watched some Gilmore Girls and made dinner then picked them up. Lucia went for a run when she got home. Tonight, Lucia and I took Farrah for a walk. I did five million dishes. Now I'm going to help Greta proofread an essay.  Andrew, in a spare moment when he wasn't on a farm in Brazil, wearing steel (?) shin guards to protect him from getting bitten by cobras, which are everywhere in the fields, hired a mason to repair/rebuild our retaining wall. Hopefully this project will get underway soon. 

Went in to work for the day, came home and watched Gilmore Girls, picked up the kids. The weather was a range of spring and winter today; unfortunately I got caught in the winter-rain portion of the day when I was waiting for the bus to go home, and then walking home. Even I, a lover of winter and cold weather, am ready for a little spring. Not summer! I'm dreading the heat (wigs + hot flashes = misery). But spring would be nice.  I'm feeling good, finishing up week two, but I do notice I'm more tired in the evening and I feel just weaker in general. At least I'm back to my normal weight and not skeleton-thin. I'm looking forward to post-chemo physical therapy and maybe even starting to run again (a little) this summer. Among many other horrors and ironies, I was in pretty excellent shape before my diagnosis, regularly running two miles and taking a weekly tennis tennis lesson. I know it'll be a while but I'm eager to feel that strong again! One more to go. ...

Worked from home. Picked Greta up at three. Picked Lucia up after musical at 6:30. Everyone did homework and practiced piano. I took Farrah for a walk. Just an ordinary day! And also I'm exhausted. Heading up to read for a while and go to sleep. 

The girls and I started the day with a trip to Tous Les Jours for pastries. It's very pleasant to make these little trips; the girls are chatty and funny, the pastries are delicious, and it's a nice weekend tradition. It was a lovely spring day today so I ran a few errands, played with Farrah in the backyard, read on the porch, and did some crocheting.  We watched an episode of Lost while eating dinner. The lawless, maverick conman is now, somehow, in a timeline that is either past or future, a cop. The lawless, maverick conman is simultaneously still on The Island, planning to commandeer a submarine.  Greta finally allowed Lucia to reorganize her dresser top. Lucia created a whole area dedicated to Fearless, neatly arranged all of Greta's Smiskis, and color-organized all of Greta's crystals.  Lucia, like Greta yesterday, spent much of today crying over Fearless. Last night, Farrah refused to jump down from Greta's bed at bedtime and slept there for much of the nigh...

A nice quiet Saturday. I went out this morning to get Easter candy and drop off a return. Greta and I played Othello. After lunch, the kids and I walked down to Ebisu to get a birthday present for one of Greta's friends. We then watched two episodes of Lost. Greta was in tears for part of the day after finishing Fearless. I cried after finishing Raising Hare. Lucia didn't cry at all but hasn't gotten very far in Fearless yet, so perhaps there will be tears from her tomorrow.  Beth brought over dinner for us. I couldn't convince the kids to watch more Lost after we ate because they had a new project to work on: Yesterday Lucia had the idea to order baseball-card albums to organize and preserve all their stickers, and they arrived in the evening; so they spent a lot of time doing that. Lucia also spent some time trying to convince Greta to let her organize her (Greta's) bookshelves and dresser top, but Greta could not be convinced. Organizing things and creating appea...

Today was conference day, so the kids didn't have school. We went in for conferences first thing in the morning. Both went well, of course. Greta has (as usual) straight A's and glowing writeups from her teachers. A project she worked on for weeks will be "an example for future classes." Lucia's doing very well too, all A's and two B's she is determined to bring up before the end of the semester. Among other things, we talked about credits in her conference--for some reason she's worried she'll accidentally not take enough credits and won't be able to graduate; her advisor reassured her that making sure she has all the right classes every year is literally her job and there is no way that would ever happen.  Lucia had musical rehearsal for a few hours, Greta hung out at home, and I worked from home. Later, we ordered dinner from How Lee and watched three episodes of Lost.  We have our first defecter: Greta says she has lost interested in this f...

It was so nice working from home today, cozy in the attic. Greta came home at regular time and Mom and Dad arrived shortly after. Greta and Dad worked on math until it was time for us to go to her piano lesson. Mom and Dad picked Lucia up after musical rehearsal and we all had dinner together here. I gave Mom and Dad the Snapfish photo book I made of our NYC trip, something I do after each of our spring break vacations. And now off to bed. Ready for a weekend of relaxing with the kids and watching Lost. 

This morning, gathered by the front door with the kids and Andrew, I was wearing a skirt and boots, with my coat and scarf on and my work bag over my shoulder, and Greta asked if I was working from home. The kids' powers of deduction are lacking when it comes to making guesses about my work plans. Today was the final busy day of this week; I'll be able to work from home tomorrow and Friday. I was in the middle of our event today, greeting students and talking to my boss, when Lucia called. Of course I answered, since a middle-of-the-school-day call is generally important, and she told me Greta had emailed her and told her to call me to tell me to buy her a newly released Taylor Swift cardigan that was going to sell out.  I relaxed with a Gilmore Girls when I got home, then picked up the kids at various times, then took Farrah for a walk, and now this Wednesday that feels like a Friday is over. I'm feeling almost totally back to normal now. Another cycle behind me.

Coming out of the tired spell, I think. I felt better today. Work wasn't as crazy, just preparations for another event tomorrow.  The kids were extremely excited about today because it was the release day of a novel they've been anxiously awaiting for months--Fearless by Lauren Roberts. They'd both pre-ordered it from Amazon, but when I checked this morning to see the delivery estimate, the books hadn't even shipped yet. That's the whole point of pre-ordering--the release day arrival! So I canceled those and ordered two copies from our local bookstore, Riverstone, then called later in the morning to make absolutely sure the order was going to be ready for pickup today. After I picked the kids up from musical and crew, I took them to the bookstore so they could run in and get their books. The store had gotten a bunch of merch from the publisher--stickers, activity sheets, crowns, pouches, sticky notes--and the bookseller gave them a ton of fun things. They were so ex...

Made it through an extremely long workday, with two big events for students that happened back-to-back. My boss, who has been an amazing supervisor throughout this whole ordeal, prohibited me from any heavy lifting / cart pulling / exertion so I spent the events manning the registration tables and welcoming students. And now this busy day is done.  I just relaxed for the rest of the evening with Gilmore Girls and kid pickups. (I'm in season six. Having somehow never seen this series the entire way through, with large gaps in my GG knowledge, I will say, unsurprisingly, that I highly dislike this entire Logan trainwreck. He makes my skin crawl with dread.) Andrew made a shepherd's pie yesterday for us to have for dinner today, since he had to be at a work dinner, and it was delicious. I was thinking about it all day, waiting for the moment when I could finally break through its golden potato top.  I'm also fully enjoying my current book, a memoir called Raising Hare by Chloe...

Another day of resting. Katherine left in the morning, and throughout the day I watched Lost and Gilmore Girls and read a book. Andrew is going on a ten-day work trip this week, so he and I spent part of the day cooking some dinners to freeze. And tonight I stayed up later than I probably should have to watch the White Lotus season finale. I am still incredibly tired and lethargic. My sleep has been better this cycle thanks to the Tylenol PM, but all in all I think this cycle is taking me a little longer to work through. I am so glad there's only one more. I definitely need another day of rest, but tomorrow is going to be an insane day at work with two big events back to back. I'll do the best I can.

I slept well thanks to Tylenol PM and felt okay for most of the day. I did my best to just relax and rest by watching Gilmore Girls and reading. The kids, Andrew, and Katherine went for a run. We all watched Nanny Diaries in the evening (I slept through most of it). Ready to be past this weekend and back to more normal energy levels.

Doing okay. I worked from home all day, and Andrew and Katherine (who arrived last night for a weekend visit!) accompanied me to run an errand on campus in the afternoon. By four I was ready to turn to the couch and Gilmore Girls. We tried to get a take-out fish fry for dinner, but it was sold out by the time Andrew and Katherine got there. So they stopped at the grocery store and Andrew made delicious fried fish sandwiches at home.  Definitely ready for bed now. Off to take my Tylenol PMs to counteract the steroids in my system and cross another day off this weekend of recovery. Lucia went to bed early too, and Greta is staying up with Andrew and Katherine to watch Boys in the Boat.

Back in the teeth of another cycle. Today wasn't actually too bad. I slept for several hours last night and made it through the workday. By five, I was ready to just lie down and watch Gilmore Girls, which I did. The kids went to piano with Andrew. We had chicken soup (in the freezer from Mom) for dinner. Definitely feeling a little weak and out of it, but not as much as after the last cycle, weirdly. I know I just need to get through the weekend and then I'll be back to normal.

Chemo day. I went in early to get my IV and have blood taken for the ABS neutrophil retest. It took the nurse two tries for the IV, which is worse than one but better than four. The number returned to normal range, so we could proceed with the appointment and chemo. My appointment today was with my surgeon, not the PA as it usually is. I was nervous to ask her to please interpret the results of my CT scan. She is a brilliant surgeon but she does NOT sugarcoat anything, so I knew she'd give the stark reality. I was so happy when she confirmed that the results were good! She even said she thinks the trace fluid noted in the results might just be scar tissue from the scraping she did on the diaphragm. So we can all be confidently happy with this scan. This is good news to hold onto, because my CA-125 results today were disappointing: six points higher than last time. I messaged the PA right away, and she discussed the results with the doctor and study coordinator, and they are not con...

Went into the office on Monday to get a lot of in-person stuff done since I'm going to be out of at home three days this week. Lucia had musical rehearsal, Greta had crew. Andrew and I took Farrah for a walk. Not too much to report for the day. Today, Tuesday, I went into the office again--things are busy because we have Graduate Student Appreciation Week next week, with several big events. This is a bad time to be out of commission but there's nothing I can do about it, so I just got as much done today as I could.  The day started off as the day before chemo always does--with blood work. My ABS neurophil (neutrophil? don't feel like checking to confirm spelling) number is low again, as it was last time, which means I have to get retested tomorrow morning to see if it's gone up. I really don't want this treatment to be delayed so let's hope it changes its mind and returns to normal tomorrow.  Definitely dreading the ordeal tomorrow. It's like this each time....