Skipping Town

Had a lovely Mother's Day. Greta made blueberry muffins this morning, and Andrew gave me a few new hats since this summer I will officially be a Hat Person. Then we drove to Connellsville for the afternoon to be with Mom and Dad. Andrew and the girls went for a run on the trail, while Mom, Farrah, and I walked. We played Uno No Mercy, Andrew mowed the lawn, and we had shells for lunch. Dessert was a lemon cake Andrew had made and brought. We exchanged gifts. It was a perfect spring day. My hat of choice for the day: my lavender Books Are Magic hat from NYC.  I realize I forgot to write about Phipps's May Market on Friday--Mom and Dad picked me up first thing in the morning and we got to stroll around the market for a while. I got some lily bulbs, as well as a cute ceramic pitcher and a little deer ornament at the shop's sale. We saw a vendor selling adorable crocheted hanging plants. When I got home, I immediately purchased a pattern on Etsy and have made two hanging string...

Thursday, May 8 Tonight was a meeting about the kids' Spain trip. They're getting excited and I'm excited for them and also nervous about them traveling alone.  We did not manage to have dinner tonight. We got back late from the meeting and then just...didn't get it together. I had a bowl of cereal and the kids made a weak effort at heating up a scant amount of leftovers. I still find myself getting just incredibly tired by the end of the day. It's only been two and a half weeks since my final treatment, and I know I need to just be patient, but still. I feel fine and energetic until around 8pm, and at that point I can barely even muster up enough energy to refill Nutmeg's water bowl. It's like a switch flips and I'm just...done. Friday, May 9 Andrew was supposed to get home tonight in the early evening because he'd booked a flight through Newark. Clearly, he hadn't been reading any news this week. When I told him on the phone that flying through...

I went into the office today but left early so I could pick up Greta. Lucia ran with the track team. After I picked her up, we stopped to fill the car with gas, and then it took us almost forty minutes to get home--lots of roads were closed (road work, not storm-related), and every road we turned onto was a parking lot. We'd planned to have dinner before going to Lucia's tutoring session, but by the time we got home there wasn't time to finish cooking.  We ate at 8. Greta and I took Farrah for a walk.  Tonight Lucia and I will fill out some paperwork for her summer job. She got the camp counselor job she applied for and is very very excited to be assisting with two weeks of summer camp at school in July. It's a perfect first job for her, and it gives a nice shape to the summer. I have always guarded our summers, protecting the kids' absolute freedom, but now that the kids are teenagers and at risk of just staying in their rooms all day while Andrew and I are at work...

The morning was a little chaotic because the cleaners were coming in the afternoon and Greta and I had to get Nutmeg upstairs to the attic. Our method is to get her into her crate and then carry the crate upstairs; both of us are too scared to try to just carry her upstairs, since she could easily wriggle free and get hurt. Of course, picking up Nutmeg is always an adventure. Greta is excellent at scooping her up--unless Nutmeg figures out what's happening. Then she runs under various pieces of furniture and makes herself impossible to find. But Greta eventually prevailed. I worked from home again, which meant I spent the day with both pets running around the attic and hanging out in my office. I love that. After school, Greta went to crew. Lucia came home after school then went for a run by herself, ending at Ebisu, where she picked up her favorite snack, a bottle of peach soda and a package of Pocky. I made chicken paprikash for dinner and everyone ate it, even enjoyed it, which ...

I worked from home today with all the power and wifi. Bliss. There was a good bit of running around in the afternoon: Lucia forgot her sneakers so I had to bring those to her after school; then I picked her up after she ran with the track team; then I picked Greta up after crew.  Contrary to our usual no-TV-during-the-week rhythm, the girls and I watched two episodes of Lost while we ate dinner. (Andrew's not here, so there was no one to stop us.) I was annoyed that an entire episode was devoted to still more people we'd never seen before--it's much, much too late in the series for new characters, even for the purpose of explaining...something. Do we understand the importance of this episode's revelations? What were the revelations, exactly? Was this an extended Cain and Abel metaphor, or good vs. evil, or something else? It's literally impossible to know, or, frankly, to care. Forget these new characters. Get us back to Sayid, Jack, Sawyer, Hugo, and Kate! Get us b...

We enjoyed a full day of having power. We made coffee and breakfast, went grocery shopping, and put things into a cold refrigerator. Mom and Dad came over in the afternoon so Dad could provide some math assistance for both kids, and then we all headed out to the girls' spring piano recital. They each played two songs plus a duet and did beautifully. Afterward, we went out for dinner at Pastoli's. Andrew left from there in an Uber to the airport for his trip to Spain. After Mom and Dad left, the kids and I watched two episodes of Lost. We have only three episodes left of the final season. I have a lot of thoughts PLUS I bought an entire book of essays published in honor of the twentieth anniversary to augment those thoughts. I can't wait to make talking about Lost my entire personality. 

We were hopeful about the power today, since the Duquene Light trucks were on our street for much of the day. But we still had to spend most of the day power-less. Andrew and Lucia went for a run in the morning and stopped at Five Points to get cardamom buns to bring home. We made coffee.  The kids spent most of the day coloring in their Coco Wye "Girl Moments" coloring books, having hurtled back to a time without wi-fi and electricity. "It's just like New Hampshire," Lucia said happily, which isn't accurate at all since we have both wi-fi and electricity in NH, and if we lost electricity we'd have to leave since it would be absolutely terrifying to be there. But I understood what she was saying: it felt like an excuse to just do fun analog things and pretend the outside world didn't exist.  We had bagels for lunch. Andrew and I worked on switching our winter clothes from our closet to the bureaus, and putting our summer clothes in our closet, while ...

Still no power. I was particularly resentful about this today, since I had to go into the office for a full day instead of working from home, which I always do on Friday. Andrew went into work too, but of course he had to leave early because he had our only car and had to pick up Greta at three. Lucia went to a friend's house for a couple of hours. When we were all back home, we decided to go out to dinner at Mad Mex, which was fun. Then we bought some ice at the grocery store to put into our cooler, as well as some half and half, cream cheese, and butter so we could at least manage breakfast.  Back home, we turned on the generator for a bit then returned to darkness. 

We still have no power. However, the generator guy did come to the house today and got the generator up and running. It's not a perfect fix--it can't be run constantly, and has to be turned off and on outside--but it's helpful. Occasional power is a step up from no power. It was too late to be helpful at all to our food, however, and tonight Andrew and I had to pitch everything in the fridge and freezer. We haven't yet gotten to the basement freezer. It was an awful feeling to throw away what had been perfectly good food, but it had to be done. A kind neighbor brought over dinner for us tonight, and then we went to school for Greta's seventh-grade poetry slam. We turned the generator on for a little while so we could get ready for bed with some lights on. The kids seem to be enjoying (to some extent) the campout feeling of living with flashlights and lanterns; both have taken to coloring in their rooms, with only a lantern lighting their work.  There is still no est...

Yesterday, a huge storm/tornado came through Pittsburgh and knocked power out all across the city. We've been without power ever since. It has not been convenient. The kids had a two-hour delay today. I found one place in town open for coffee and bagels. I took the kids to school then went to work. Andrew drove the Volvo to the dealership in Greensburg for some repairs. I picked the kids up at three and took them to their piano lessons at a nearby church, since the teacher also had no power. Andrew made his way back from Greensburg in an Uber because our Volvo is beyond repair. We barely have enough propane to grill anything. All of fridge food needs to be thrown away.  All four of us are now at the library to charge our devices. There is no end in sight to this outage. We do have a generator, but we've never gotten it working; Andrew called a service person today and hopefully he'll come out to repair it. In the meantime, we're living in darkness broken by a rechargeab...

Thankfully, I'm feeling a little better today. I worked from home and didn't feel quite so dishrag-like. I'll take the improvement and trust it will continue in the days ahead. Andrew and I are all booked for our trip to MD Anderson in May. I booked our hotel today. Andrew booked our flights. As my treatment shifts now to maintenance, it will be nice to have this appointment to affirm I'm doing the exact right thing.  Both kids were home at three today--their hasn't happened for weeks and weeks.  Off to have my second slice of chocolate cake today. 

This sixth and final chemo has taken me down in a way the previous five did not. I'm extremely tired and listless and spent the day either on the couch or in bed, with a break to attend Lucia's final performance of Chicago in the afternoon. Food tastes terrible, with the exception of a chocolate cake Greta made today--I may just eat the entire thing tomorrow since it's the only thing that appeals. Very very ready to move past this cycle but it doesn't seem to want to let go quite yet. Coming back from this one might take a little longer than the others. I'm trying to be patient, and to rest. It's irritating that I can't just shake it off and move on. 

I'm connecting these days together since they've all had a single focus: opening night, and the subsequent performances, of the Upper School musical, Chicago, in which Lucia is a member of the ensemble. She has been rehearsing for months, balancing late nights with schoolwork and piano practicing, and finally, on Thursday, the show was ready for the world to see. And it has been spectacular! Lucia has been thrilled with the performances. All those late nights were worthwhile. Mom and Dad came on Friday. One more show tomorrow, and then Chicago is a wrap. She'll miss it. I'm hanging in there from chemo #6, very very very tired, with some leg pain this time. I feel simultaneously blah and resolute, knowing that, this time, as my symptoms lessen, I won't be facing them again in three short weeks. That's huge. I'm ready to recover from these eighteen weeks of poison. I'm ready to not feel shaky as I type in the morning, to not hate the taste of everything ex...

Originally drafted on November 12, 2024, and finished on January 9, 2025. [Note to readers, April 24, 2025: I feel compelled to emphasize here that my chemo treatments are done, and my last CT scan in March was clear. The doom of this post, written when I was still stunned and expecting the worst, has given way to positivity and every reason to be hopeful. I debated posting this horrific account, but I’ve always been a dedicated personal archivist. This account will always be a viscerally upsetting part of my story, no matter how the story evolves.] The Story of My Diagnosis: A Portal Opens, and a New Journey Begins Sunday, November 10, 2024, was a magical day. The weather outside was perfect Pittsburgh fall: gusty rain, gloom, wind, and darkness. The girls and I were on our own--Andrew was en route to Peru for work--and after running a few errands, we settled at home for the day. We played two rounds of Unstable Unicorns--our ongoing competition for a chicken statue, which Lucia wins...

Final chemo day! I actually dreaded this one more than the others, despite my happiness that it was the last one. The anticipation of the steps I know all too well got to me this morning--the retest for neutrophils (sp) and waiting to see if chemo could move forward; the inevitable struggle to insert an IV; the twitchy awful feeling of the steroids and taxol; the long wait for the CA-125 results; the tiredness and toxicity to follow.  But! I did it. My assigned chemo nurse asked a different nurse to do the IV, and she got it in with just one try--and I barely felt it. My neutrophil (sp) retest came back with normal results, so chemo could move forward. The steroids and taxol made me extremely restless, twitchy, and anxious--it's a really awful feeling--and I tried to just do some deep, counted breathing and focus on watching Hacks. That feeling lasted for about an hour and then went away. The ice mittens and booties were unbearable as always; no way around that.  I didn't get ...

The day began with the usual pre-chemo bloodwork. I've reached the point in this journey where I have a preferred phlebotomist--the only one who doesn't have to try multiple times (shudder). I requested him this time rather than leave it to chance. My ABS neutrophils (neutrophils? I can never remember) are low again, but I never received a phone call about a retest. So we'll see what tomorrow brings. I'm guessing I'll get there, be told to go upstairs for a retest, and then proceed as I have the last two cycles.  I went into work for half a day then worked from home in the afternoon. After work, Andrew and I met up with our kitchen designer at an appliance store and began selecting our kitchen appliances. I'd be very happy just replicating the exact choices from our Maplewood kitchen; we don't need a $16,000 Sub-Zero fridge. At one point in the store, Andrew was trying to convince me we should consider an eight-burner range. (We are not getting an eight-burn...

I worked from home today and took a long walk with a friend at lunchtime. Farrah came too, and both she and I were exhausted for the rest of the day. With the final chemo so close, I am feeling more ready than ever to move on and rebuild my strength and stamina.  Greta had crew till 6:30. Lucia had musical rehearsal till 9:30--it's tech week--and is very excited for opening night on Thursday. I was in bed when she got home but managed to rally for the five minutes it took me to collect some things she needs--makeup, curling iron, stockings--for her costume.  Labs tomorrow. The usual anxiety over the CA-125. How far will my "complete neutrophils" fall this time?

Happy Easter! We got an early start with 8:00 Mass at St. Rita's. I was the only person wearing a mask in the church, but I absolutely cannot get sick this week and derail my final chemo. So be it. We took some pictures outside the church afterward. Back home, we gave the girls their Easter baskets: candy, mini Squishmallow figurines, an Easter Unicorno, a spring Miniverse blind box, a Coco Wye coloring book and pattern-drawing book, Uno No Mercy and Dutch Blitz, a pastel Trader Joe's tote, and a set of tiny Easter chicks (like the Target birds but babies in an egg carton). All very cute and well-received. Then Andrew and I went outside to hide eggs for the egg hunt. This was a risk. Some of you longtime readers will remember the infamous Slug Easter of 2018 . We haven't hidden eggs outside in Connellsville since then. But the grass was dry this morning, and we decided to tempt fate. (Spoiler alert: there were no slugs.) The girls may be teenagers, but they were still excit...

Andrew, Greta, and I spent Saturday morning at Washington's Landing to watch the Steel City crew team compete in the Rust Belt Grand Prix. Greta wanted to see some of her friends who were racing. It was a lot of fun to see an actual race and to see what Greta spends so much time doing after school. Once she gets a little more experience she'll be able to do a race herself. Once we got home, Andrew baked a carrot cake, and then we got the car loaded up (including Nutmeg) and drove to Connellsville for the weekend. We ordered pizzas from Bud Murphy's for dinner, and then watched La La Land. 

Andrew has returned! We're all happy, but Farrah is the happiest. She hasn't left his side since he made his appearance on the porch, where Farrah and I were sitting in the afternoon.  The kids did not have school today. Lucia had musical rehearsal for a few hours, and Greta went to a birthday party. I worked from home and then read.  We'll be heading to Connellsville tomorrow afternoon for Easter weekend. 

This week has seemed interminable. I went into work today but did my final meeting at home so Mom, Dad, and I could go to Phipps right at four to see the spring flower show. It closes on Sunday, so this was our last chance to see it. Beautiful as always. Afterward, we went outside to Phipps's bulb sale and all bought some bulbs. I got some hyacinths and narcissus.  Greta walked home from school. Poor Greta wasn't able to eat lunch today because she couldn't open her new stainless-steel lunch container. She was working on a science project by herself in a classroom, so there was no one to help her. The Amazon reviews all talked about this problem, but we'd attempted opening it in the morning ourselves with no problem; but the hot food formed a kind of vacuum.  Lucia had musical and then went running. Mom cooked dinner, did all the dishes, and practiced piano with the girls. Dad gave me a family history written by a great-aunt, with stories from the depression and beyond,...

I went in to the office until lunchtime today then worked from home the rest of the day. The kids had activities (musical and crew) until 6:30, so I watched some Gilmore Girls and made dinner then picked them up. Lucia went for a run when she got home. Tonight, Lucia and I took Farrah for a walk. I did five million dishes. Now I'm going to help Greta proofread an essay.  Andrew, in a spare moment when he wasn't on a farm in Brazil, wearing steel (?) shin guards to protect him from getting bitten by cobras, which are everywhere in the fields, hired a mason to repair/rebuild our retaining wall. Hopefully this project will get underway soon. 

Went in to work for the day, came home and watched Gilmore Girls, picked up the kids. The weather was a range of spring and winter today; unfortunately I got caught in the winter-rain portion of the day when I was waiting for the bus to go home, and then walking home. Even I, a lover of winter and cold weather, am ready for a little spring. Not summer! I'm dreading the heat (wigs + hot flashes = misery). But spring would be nice.  I'm feeling good, finishing up week two, but I do notice I'm more tired in the evening and I feel just weaker in general. At least I'm back to my normal weight and not skeleton-thin. I'm looking forward to post-chemo physical therapy and maybe even starting to run again (a little) this summer. Among many other horrors and ironies, I was in pretty excellent shape before my diagnosis, regularly running two miles and taking a weekly tennis tennis lesson. I know it'll be a while but I'm eager to feel that strong again! One more to go. ...

Worked from home. Picked Greta up at three. Picked Lucia up after musical at 6:30. Everyone did homework and practiced piano. I took Farrah for a walk. Just an ordinary day! And also I'm exhausted. Heading up to read for a while and go to sleep. 

The girls and I started the day with a trip to Tous Les Jours for pastries. It's very pleasant to make these little trips; the girls are chatty and funny, the pastries are delicious, and it's a nice weekend tradition. It was a lovely spring day today so I ran a few errands, played with Farrah in the backyard, read on the porch, and did some crocheting.  We watched an episode of Lost while eating dinner. The lawless, maverick conman is now, somehow, in a timeline that is either past or future, a cop. The lawless, maverick conman is simultaneously still on The Island, planning to commandeer a submarine.  Greta finally allowed Lucia to reorganize her dresser top. Lucia created a whole area dedicated to Fearless, neatly arranged all of Greta's Smiskis, and color-organized all of Greta's crystals.  Lucia, like Greta yesterday, spent much of today crying over Fearless. Last night, Farrah refused to jump down from Greta's bed at bedtime and slept there for much of the nigh...

A nice quiet Saturday. I went out this morning to get Easter candy and drop off a return. Greta and I played Othello. After lunch, the kids and I walked down to Ebisu to get a birthday present for one of Greta's friends. We then watched two episodes of Lost. Greta was in tears for part of the day after finishing Fearless. I cried after finishing Raising Hare. Lucia didn't cry at all but hasn't gotten very far in Fearless yet, so perhaps there will be tears from her tomorrow.  Beth brought over dinner for us. I couldn't convince the kids to watch more Lost after we ate because they had a new project to work on: Yesterday Lucia had the idea to order baseball-card albums to organize and preserve all their stickers, and they arrived in the evening; so they spent a lot of time doing that. Lucia also spent some time trying to convince Greta to let her organize her (Greta's) bookshelves and dresser top, but Greta could not be convinced. Organizing things and creating appea...

Today was conference day, so the kids didn't have school. We went in for conferences first thing in the morning. Both went well, of course. Greta has (as usual) straight A's and glowing writeups from her teachers. A project she worked on for weeks will be "an example for future classes." Lucia's doing very well too, all A's and two B's she is determined to bring up before the end of the semester. Among other things, we talked about credits in her conference--for some reason she's worried she'll accidentally not take enough credits and won't be able to graduate; her advisor reassured her that making sure she has all the right classes every year is literally her job and there is no way that would ever happen.  Lucia had musical rehearsal for a few hours, Greta hung out at home, and I worked from home. Later, we ordered dinner from How Lee and watched three episodes of Lost.  We have our first defecter: Greta says she has lost interested in this f...

It was so nice working from home today, cozy in the attic. Greta came home at regular time and Mom and Dad arrived shortly after. Greta and Dad worked on math until it was time for us to go to her piano lesson. Mom and Dad picked Lucia up after musical rehearsal and we all had dinner together here. I gave Mom and Dad the Snapfish photo book I made of our NYC trip, something I do after each of our spring break vacations. And now off to bed. Ready for a weekend of relaxing with the kids and watching Lost. 

This morning, gathered by the front door with the kids and Andrew, I was wearing a skirt and boots, with my coat and scarf on and my work bag over my shoulder, and Greta asked if I was working from home. The kids' powers of deduction are lacking when it comes to making guesses about my work plans. Today was the final busy day of this week; I'll be able to work from home tomorrow and Friday. I was in the middle of our event today, greeting students and talking to my boss, when Lucia called. Of course I answered, since a middle-of-the-school-day call is generally important, and she told me Greta had emailed her and told her to call me to tell me to buy her a newly released Taylor Swift cardigan that was going to sell out.  I relaxed with a Gilmore Girls when I got home, then picked up the kids at various times, then took Farrah for a walk, and now this Wednesday that feels like a Friday is over. I'm feeling almost totally back to normal now. Another cycle behind me.

Coming out of the tired spell, I think. I felt better today. Work wasn't as crazy, just preparations for another event tomorrow.  The kids were extremely excited about today because it was the release day of a novel they've been anxiously awaiting for months--Fearless by Lauren Roberts. They'd both pre-ordered it from Amazon, but when I checked this morning to see the delivery estimate, the books hadn't even shipped yet. That's the whole point of pre-ordering--the release day arrival! So I canceled those and ordered two copies from our local bookstore, Riverstone, then called later in the morning to make absolutely sure the order was going to be ready for pickup today. After I picked the kids up from musical and crew, I took them to the bookstore so they could run in and get their books. The store had gotten a bunch of merch from the publisher--stickers, activity sheets, crowns, pouches, sticky notes--and the bookseller gave them a ton of fun things. They were so ex...

Made it through an extremely long workday, with two big events for students that happened back-to-back. My boss, who has been an amazing supervisor throughout this whole ordeal, prohibited me from any heavy lifting / cart pulling / exertion so I spent the events manning the registration tables and welcoming students. And now this busy day is done.  I just relaxed for the rest of the evening with Gilmore Girls and kid pickups. (I'm in season six. Having somehow never seen this series the entire way through, with large gaps in my GG knowledge, I will say, unsurprisingly, that I highly dislike this entire Logan trainwreck. He makes my skin crawl with dread.) Andrew made a shepherd's pie yesterday for us to have for dinner today, since he had to be at a work dinner, and it was delicious. I was thinking about it all day, waiting for the moment when I could finally break through its golden potato top.  I'm also fully enjoying my current book, a memoir called Raising Hare by Chloe...

Another day of resting. Katherine left in the morning, and throughout the day I watched Lost and Gilmore Girls and read a book. Andrew is going on a ten-day work trip this week, so he and I spent part of the day cooking some dinners to freeze. And tonight I stayed up later than I probably should have to watch the White Lotus season finale. I am still incredibly tired and lethargic. My sleep has been better this cycle thanks to the Tylenol PM, but all in all I think this cycle is taking me a little longer to work through. I am so glad there's only one more. I definitely need another day of rest, but tomorrow is going to be an insane day at work with two big events back to back. I'll do the best I can.

I slept well thanks to Tylenol PM and felt okay for most of the day. I did my best to just relax and rest by watching Gilmore Girls and reading. The kids, Andrew, and Katherine went for a run. We all watched Nanny Diaries in the evening (I slept through most of it). Ready to be past this weekend and back to more normal energy levels.

Doing okay. I worked from home all day, and Andrew and Katherine (who arrived last night for a weekend visit!) accompanied me to run an errand on campus in the afternoon. By four I was ready to turn to the couch and Gilmore Girls. We tried to get a take-out fish fry for dinner, but it was sold out by the time Andrew and Katherine got there. So they stopped at the grocery store and Andrew made delicious fried fish sandwiches at home.  Definitely ready for bed now. Off to take my Tylenol PMs to counteract the steroids in my system and cross another day off this weekend of recovery. Lucia went to bed early too, and Greta is staying up with Andrew and Katherine to watch Boys in the Boat.

Back in the teeth of another cycle. Today wasn't actually too bad. I slept for several hours last night and made it through the workday. By five, I was ready to just lie down and watch Gilmore Girls, which I did. The kids went to piano with Andrew. We had chicken soup (in the freezer from Mom) for dinner. Definitely feeling a little weak and out of it, but not as much as after the last cycle, weirdly. I know I just need to get through the weekend and then I'll be back to normal.

Chemo day. I went in early to get my IV and have blood taken for the ABS neutrophil retest. It took the nurse two tries for the IV, which is worse than one but better than four. The number returned to normal range, so we could proceed with the appointment and chemo. My appointment today was with my surgeon, not the PA as it usually is. I was nervous to ask her to please interpret the results of my CT scan. She is a brilliant surgeon but she does NOT sugarcoat anything, so I knew she'd give the stark reality. I was so happy when she confirmed that the results were good! She even said she thinks the trace fluid noted in the results might just be scar tissue from the scraping she did on the diaphragm. So we can all be confidently happy with this scan. This is good news to hold onto, because my CA-125 results today were disappointing: six points higher than last time. I messaged the PA right away, and she discussed the results with the doctor and study coordinator, and they are not con...

Went into the office on Monday to get a lot of in-person stuff done since I'm going to be out of at home three days this week. Lucia had musical rehearsal, Greta had crew. Andrew and I took Farrah for a walk. Not too much to report for the day. Today, Tuesday, I went into the office again--things are busy because we have Graduate Student Appreciation Week next week, with several big events. This is a bad time to be out of commission but there's nothing I can do about it, so I just got as much done today as I could.  The day started off as the day before chemo always does--with blood work. My ABS neurophil (neutrophil? don't feel like checking to confirm spelling) number is low again, as it was last time, which means I have to get retested tomorrow morning to see if it's gone up. I really don't want this treatment to be delayed so let's hope it changes its mind and returns to normal tomorrow.  Definitely dreading the ordeal tomorrow. It's like this each time....

The kids and I went to Trader Joe's this morning then stopped in at Tous Les Jours for coffee buns. We reminisced about the Music Together class Lucia took as a baby in Park Slope (which she does not remember) and about the lockdown in March 2020 (which they do remember).  The rest of the day was restful: Greta worked on a school assignment; Lucia read; Andrew and Lucia went for a run; I read; the girls and I finished season 5 of Lost (shocking and upsetting); Andrew and I watched The White Lotus. It was strange and new not to have the looming CT scan results shadowing the day.  Tomorrow the regular routine resumes, with the kids' spring break finally over. It's not a regular week for me, sadly, with chemo #5 on Wednesday. Dreading it but ready to put it in the rearview.

My CT scan showed no evidence of cancer in chest or abdomen/pelvis! The results came in at 1:00 a.m. and I saw the notification when I woke up. I'm excited and relieved. I don't know if this means I'm in "NED" status, which means "no evidence of disease," ovarian cancer's version of remission; or if I have to finish chemo before reaching this status. I'll find out on Wednesday when I go in for my pre-chemo appointment. Many people with this low-grade form of ovarian cancer are NED for many years before having a recurrence, so please keep sending up all the good energy and prayers!  It was so nice not having the dread hanging over my head all day.  Mid-morning, Greta and I took Nutmeg to the vet for her annual check-up. This is a huge pain because her vet is in Bethel Park--it's not easy to find a vet to treat exotic pets, and yes, rabbits are considered exotics. She got her vaccine; got some bloodwork because, at almost six years old, she...

Tried to keep as busy as possible today to keep my mind off impending CT scan results. I worked from home, took a break for a Lunch n' Lost with the kids, and then took them shopping at Target for spring clothes later in the afternoon. Lucia tried on all her spring clothes yesterday and it was absolutely comical--she outgrew everything. Every last thing. She had a huge growth spurt over the past year. Greta had outgrown most of her things too, but mostly because she always insists on hanging onto things far longer than they actually fit. She just likes to keep them. They got a few things in NYC and a few things at Target. A good start. Beth and Nate came over for dinner, which finished off the day. I don't expect to get CT scan results until next week. The waiting is excruciating.

On Wednesday I went into the office until lunchtime then worked from home. The girls slept late. Lucia hung out with a friend in the afternoon. Later, the girls and I watched two episodes of Lost and then Andrew and I watched The White Lotus. I had to keep my mind totally distracted to keep from thinking about my CT scan the next day. Today, Thursday, was the scan--the midpoint scan that's part of the clinical study. Though the scan itself was fine, it took two nurses four attempts to get the IV in. It was horrendous. After the third try I thought I was going to pass out and had to lie down on a gurney. The fourth attempt was actually on the CT scan table--they tried to flush the IV and it hurt like crazy so they had to take it out and try once more. Awful awful. And what's even more awful is that I won't get the test results for several days.  If I'm not working or reading or watching TV, I start catastrophizing. I worked from home for the day. Tonight I made chili and...

Last day. After packing up and getting organized, we had breakfast at Tous Les Jours and tried a bunch of the pastries. All of us liked the coffee bun best except for Andrew. Greta had a cherry blossom latte.  We squeezed one final event into our last day in NYC. Our destination was one I planned, and one you wouldn't expect from someone who lived in or near NYC for almost two decades: FAO Schwartz at Rockefeller Center. Our destination wasn't the store itself; it was the Jellycat Diner. I'd learned about the existence of the Jellycat Diner from social media, where the wise algorithm placed videos and pictures in front of me enough times for me to finally pay attention and make a reservation. This is not actually a diner; this is just a specific area in the store where food-themed Jellycats are sold, and if you pay an extra fee you can "order" a specific "food" from the "menu" and aspiring / out-of-work actors behind a "counter" ...

Yesterday's gorgeous weather turned into rain for the entirety of today, which is unfortunate since today was the day I'd promised the kids some shopping in Soho. After breakfast at Bourke Street Bakery, we braved the rain and took the subway downtown. The kids both found some cute spring clothes as we shopped along, and Greta got some perfume. Dad bought a t-shirt at Uniqlo and Mom bought a trench coat at Muji. Andrew bought some notebooks at the MoMA Design Store. I bought a small dish with rabbits on it from Pearl River.  We had lunch at Joe's Shanghai, which has moved locations. This was a shock, even though they moved in 2019; I hadn't realized how long it had been since I was there. It could have been 2018. Fortunately Andrew had looked up the address on his phone as we walked, and discovered it was no longer on Pell St. Regardless of the weirdness of the new location, the soup dumplings were delicious. Dad also had some amazing crispy beef. And our hot tea was re...

Such a great day. We went to Ess-a-Bagel this morning, which was delicious of course, then got on the subway and headed to the Upper West Side. Our destination was the Grand Bazaar, a huge outdoor flea / vintage / handmade market. I used to go all the time when I lived in Morningside Heights and still have a pair of earrings I bought there. Lucia and Greta found some fun things to buy, including watch rings (both), and a small bottle and a necklace (Greta). The girls also shared a grape tanghulu (candied fruit on a stick), which they liked.  We stopped at Gray's Papaya before getting back on the subway, where Andrew, Lucia, and Greta had a pre-lunch hot dog. I would have killed for a Gray's Papaya hot dog but I'm pretty sure my post-chemo instructions had those on the "avoid" list? It's hard to remember what real things I've been instructed and what not-medically-verified things I've read online. Easy enough to avoid for now. We took the subway to Broo...

An incredibly full day in NYC. This morning, we took an Uber to Grand Central and had bagels for breakfast in the dining concourse. Then we took Metro North into the Bronx, to the New York Botanical Garden, to see the orchid show. It was spectacular. The theme was Mexican Modernism, and the orchids--thousands of them--were sometimes displayed against colorful walls painted purple, pink, and orange. The whole thing was amazing.  Then we hopped on a tram to get a brief tour of the rest of the garden, which was fun but also made us want to return when the flowers are in bloom. Although I went to the orchid show decades ago, when I spent a semester as an adjunct at Fordham, it's been long enough that I consider this visit today an entirely new activity. Another new activity followed, as we made our way to the Little Italy of the Bronx and walked along Arthur Avenue. We bought biscotti at Madonia Bakery, had pizza for lunch in the central market, then went to the Morrone Pastry Shop for...

A great NYC day. We had breakfast near the hotel at Bourke Street Bakery, delicious almond croissants and chocolate croissants. Then we took an Uber up to Times Square, where we stood outside the Nasdaq building at 43rd Street and watched Barbra and her family on the huge screen that covers the entire side of the building--Barbra and the CEO of her company rang the bell at the Nasdaq! We also waved to them through the windows of the studio. So fun to see her.  Then we walked over to the New York Public Library to see the Century of the New Yorker exhibition. It was a fantastic show, lots of back story and ephemera from the early days through the present. The Rose reading room was closed to tourists but we wandered around the room across from it (can't remember the name), which housed a lot of interesting portraits. Then we went into the Treasures exhibit, where highlights included the stuffed animals that inspired the Winnie the Pooh books, a decoy Ulysses in a Bobbsey Twins cover,...

First day in NYC! We left early this morning and had an easy drive, getting to the James hotel right at check-in time. Mom and Dad have a room and we have a suite with two bathrooms--a luxury but also not a luxury when you consider we will not be victim to a quadruple homicide trying to manage one bathroom with two teen girls.  We spent the afternoon walking in the city, from Madison Square Park down to Union Square Park. We went into some shops. Greta bought a NYC-themed Lego set and a book; Lucia bought two sets of press-on nails and some spring clothes at H&M. We spent a while in the Strand.  Andrew peeled off to meet some old co-worker friends and the rest of us walked back toward Madison Square Park for dinnar at Wagamama, and then gelato at Eataly. Sadly, it began to rain, and we had a bit of a forced march as we tried to find a place to get some bottles of water, which we ultimately found at HMart. Then in for the night. It's good to be back. 

Worked from home and got things ready for our trip. The kids and Andrew went out to shop for car snacks; Andrew and I took Farrah for a walk to CVS so I could by Dramamine; we packed; I got everything prepared for the pet sitter. The kids and I watched one episode of Lost.  We'll leave early tomorrow morning for New York. Spring break vacation begins!

Almost totally back to normal! Made it through cycle four. Yay. I'm trying to remain positive--only two more two go!--while also just feeling like, really? I have to go through this two more times? But two is better than six. The end is in sight for this first phase. I went into the office for most of the day. I was so hungry after work I made myself a pre-dinner snack of a pot of peanut butter noodles from the NYT. Tonight, Andrew and Lucia went to a hockey game, and Greta and I watched Gilmore Girls. We are all doing laundry and selecting outfits for our trip. I am, as always with trips, very excited and very sad to leave the pets.

Feeling much better today. Less tired, less sore, more normal. I worked from home. Andrew and I met with our kitchen designer. (When she came in and said "I love your hair!" I said, without fanfare, "Thank you!", fighting my impulse to declare IT'S A WIG FROM AMAZON and eschewing unnecessary explanations.) Andrew made an amazing shepherd's pie and chocolate Guinness cake in honor of St. Patrick's Day (a holiday I would otherwise have forgotten about). I am still just ravenous; I could have eaten the entire shepherd's pie. I'm not exaggerating. I can literally feel my body frantically burning energy as it scrambles to heal from this chemo cycle. It's doing a good job. While Andrew and I worked, the kids read a lot, made pancakes, and walked to the grocery store to buy Lucky Charms and then got bubble tea. I love their sisterly excursions.   Tonight Andrew had a late meeting and the girls and I watched Lost. Is it...too confusing now? I sense w...

Feeling a little better today. I slept last night, making all the difference, and just rested a lot throughout the day. I read, watched Lost with the kids, went on a walk with Andrew and Farrah, and watched The White Lotus with Andrew tonight. In the afternoon, I even took the kids into Shadyside to shop at Francesca's--Lucia wanted a new dress to wear in NYC. She found a cute dress, Greta found a sweater, and both got some jewelry with a buy-one-get-two-free sale. I tried to get the kids to watch more Lost tonight, but they wanted to READ. Lucia is finishing up Iron Flame, a smutty dragon romantasy (I don't know what any of that really means and I'm going to maintain my igorance as long as possible), and Greta is reading something else. (It's hard for me to keep track of Greta's reading, because she reads so much and also flips back and forth between old favorites, rereading.) I ate well today; appetite remains unaffected, though it was still hard to drink liquids ...

Day of rest. I actually slept last night--hooray--thanks to the Tylenol PM. I slept in, took a bath, read my book. Andrew and I went to Trader Joe's. Both girls slept late, Lucia egregiously so--until 2pm. Their two-week spring break has started, and they needed the rest. After lunch, Andrew and I and Farrah walked to town to return library books.  Then I settled onto the couch. Andrew and I watched an episode of The White Lotus we'd missed. Then the girls and I watched a bunch of Lost. We're in season five, and it is getting very hard to follow, maybe partly because I am still very tired and out of it and the show's blurring of reality and dreamy time-shifting kind of fits where I am on this Saturday after chemo. Untethered all around.   I'm ready for the day to be over. My legs are hurting, I'm tired, and I have a terrible taste in my mouth that's making it hard to drink anything. My appetite, weirdly, remains voracious, even though food tastes kind of meh...

This morning, in the chaos of getting out the door, Lucia asked if I was going into the office today. (She gets very impatient on the days when I go into the office, when Andrew stops at the light at the corner of Forbes and Morewood to let me out by campus before continuing on to school for the girls' drop-off.) I had to just pause and say, "Lucia, do I LOOK like I'm going into the office today?" I was wearing old leggings, a t-shirt with no bra, a flannel shirt over that, with my hair in a turban. This was clearly a barely-working-from-home outfit. This was a camera-off-if-a-meeting-pops-up-on-my-calendar outfit. Lucia gave me a once-over, shrugged, and said, "I just thought you were trying something new." This child is too much.  Today was a long and tired day. I worked, but barely. I picked Greta up at school and took her to a hair appointment, my only time out of the house today. And I was absolutely starving all day--had a huge lunch and a huge dinner....

Least favorite day, the day after chemo. I barely slept at all last night (the melantonin did not work) and was exhausted all day. It was an insanely busy workday, too. (I found reason today to write the words "swag quagmire" in a message to my boss, though, which redeemed the day a bit.)  Then I lay down and watched Gilmore Girls while Andrew took the kids to piano. They picked up dinner from How Lee on their way home, blessed souls. I ate two platefuls of food. My appetite has been unaffected by all this, and the weird bitter taste I've gotten in past cycles hasn't appeared yet. So, again, being tired isn't fun, but that is literally the only side effect right now, so I can't complain.  In the interest in a complete record, I should keep noting the physical toll of these past few weeks: I have ugly purple bruises on both hands from Tuesday's double-attempt at the blood work; and there are two hard, bumpy veins in my left forearm from IVs past. Battle sca...

I woke up anxious about receiving the CA-125 results, and then the morning took an even more anxiety-producing turn when we pulled up to the door of the school, dropping off the kids at 7:30, and I got a call from the oncology nurse at UPMC saying my ABS neutrophil number was low enough to call my treatment today into question, and I had to come in for a retest before proceeding. What a gut punch.  So we arrived at Magee and went up to the Womens Cancer Center first, where I got my IV and blood work for the retest. Then we went down to the Gynecologic Cancer Center for my appointment with the PA and clinical trial coordinator. My results from the retest had already arrived, and the ABS neutrophil was not only not alarmingly low, but normal! Same with my white blood cell number. So weird. There was no real explanation; the PA just said my body needed the extra day to do what it needed to do.  Treatment assured, we went back to the Cancer Center for the day. Despite my more-than...

The eve of chemo #4. A day that began with the customary blood work first thing in the morning, which required two tries. The worst. I have bruises on both hands. Then I went to work for half a day, met friends for lunch, then worked from home for the rest of the day.  Later Greta and I went to the grocery store to get ingredients for cookies she's bringing to her Taylor Swift elective tomorrow. She made a s'mores bar and is calling them "Eversmores." (I get the wordplay because I am surrounded by all things TSwift.).  Then I helped Lucia work on her camp counselor application, or, at least, tried my best to help. She does not seem to appreciate or even believe that I spent decades as a professional writer and editor and might actually know useful things about writing and editing. I did at least get her to think a little bit more constructively about why she was applying for the job beyond just 'it will be fun'. Andrew went to a hockey game. He already had tic...

I saw Molly in the morning today before she and Jeremy left for work activities, and then I went to a dentist appointment and worked from home. Mom and Dad came to visit in the afternoon and they and Molly and I walked to Starbucks. Sadly it was a short visit, and everyone left shortly afterward.  Andrew and I went over to celebrate Beth's birthday while the kids did all of their schoolwork and piano, a welcome break to the evening. I'm glad it was a busy weekend and Monday. Tomorrow will bring the first phase of chemo cycle #4.

A lovely Saturday. Andrew, the kids, and I went to the Strip this morning to shop at Posman, get some food at Penn Mac and Wholey's, and have lunch at the Novo Food Hall. Always fun to spend some time down there.  Lucia and I finished the grocery shopping at Giant Eagle, then Andrew and Lucia went for a run. At four, Mom and Dad came for a visit and dinner. We showed them the collapsed retaining wall, and Andrew made pizzas in the Ooni for dinner. We all told travel stories while we ate because Lucia said she had an assignment to interview someone, and she wanted to ask about traveling. All of us have an amazing roster of stories. Of course, typical teen, Lucia refused all of our tales (scornfully, wearily) and instead chose Greta to tell her the story of falling out of bed and needing stitches at an ER in Rome. (To be fair, this is indeed a good story.) Later tonight, Molly and Jeremy arrived since Jeremy has to be in Pittsburgh for work tomorrow. We briefly visited before finally...

The girls and I went to a book sale this morning in Edgewood. On the way home, they decided to get boba so I dropped them off on the corner of Murray so they could walk down to Forbes. We convened for a spell of Lunch n' Lost (two episodes), and then Andrew and I cleaned up the guest room since Molly and Jeremy are coming tomorrow.  We had a fun evening out with friends: first a show at Liberty Magic, which was fantastic; and then dinner at Talia. I'll be happy when I can have a cocktail or glass of wine again. I haven't had a drink since starting chemo. My poor body is dealing with an onslaught of poison every three weeks and I just feel better sticking to water, tea, and coffee for now.  

A busy day but I worked from home, which was a nice way to end the week. The girls and I relaxed with two episodes of Lost and the season finale of The Way Home. Dinner was a mishmash of leftovers that the kids eschewed in favor of making their own grilled cheese sandwiches. Not too much else to report from this ordinary end to the week.

Full day in the office for the third day in a row, and I'm tired. But it's been a very busy week and, as I always say, busy-ness is best. Tonight Lucia had musical rehearsal, and both girls had piano. Andrew went to a parent meeting at the Steel City boathouse, the official start of Greta's spring crew season. The girls and I squeezed in an episode of Lost. Some possibly good news in the Story of the Retaining Wall: Andrew met another mason today, and this guy said that part of the wall (the part that didn't collapse) could be preserved, and that we don't need to take down the big tree. He didn't give an estimate yet but this sounds like a potentially lower cost.  I wore the Amazon wig to work today and a colleague I don't see very often complimented me on my new hair style. Lesson from this awkward encounter, where I announced it was a wig and then realized this colleague had no idea I'm going through chemo: if someone compliments one of my wigs, just s...