Skipping Town

It. Is. The. End. Of. January. COVID, two chemo treatments, returning to work after 6 weeks of leave, and the hellscape of terrifying ineptitude that has been inflicted on us--it has been too much.   Today was busy at work, and I'm just feeling really really tired. Also everything has a weird bitter taste. All normal, I know. And as usual, I'm grateful this is all there is to the side effects so far. I'm still shedding, but less, maybe because there's less to shed?  It was a quiet evening. Lucia went to a party, and Greta hung out chatting with me as I lay in bed. Now I'm going to sleep. I'm glad I've been through one cycle already so I know that I have a much livelier week 2 and 3 to look forward to. 

I didn't sleep well last night despite being exhausted--maybe all the steroids? But today started off fine--I felt good, and worked--but around three I started feeling just so, so tired, and I started feeling painful acid reflux. A Pepcid helped a lot. That's an unwelcome new side effect. (I'm fine now.) Andrew took the kids to piano and I lay in bed and watched Gilmore Girls. Farrah lay right next to me. We had leftovers for dinner and managed to take Farrah for a walk. But I am very ready for bed now. I can't even focus on the new Kevin Kwan I started reading, Lies and Weddings. I'm not good at just lying around resting, but rest I must.  Hopefully I'll sleep better tonight. Ready for the weekend.  

Chemo #2 in the books! 1/3 of the way through my chemotherapy journey. We met with one of my doctor's PAs at 7:40 this morning, as well as the clinical study coordinator. I was able to ask a lot of my questions, such as what happens to my treatment if all these funding freezes happen. The study coordinator said my treatment would be uninterrupted since I'm in the "standard of care arm," but that he'd probably lose his job. (Happily, a few hours later, Andrew and I read in the Times that that insane memo was rescinded. A huge relief.) I also asked about my CA-125 number, which has been giving me a lot of anxiety. (That number is called a "tumor marker," and an elevated number indicates the existence of cancer. Once a surgery and treatment are underway, that number should decrease.) I get my CA-125 tested every three weeks as part of my pre-chemo bloodwork. At first I thought I just wouldn't ever look at the test results and trust the doctor to tell me...

I went into the office today for the first time since early November. It felt good to be back, and distracted with tasks and meetings. I made a spreadsheet with charts, clicked people into breakout rooms on a Zoom, ate lunch with my boss, sent emails. There's a darkness over campus as everyone wrestles with the endless doom scroll of news and what it might mean for higher ed. Nothing good, is the consensus. Such harm is being done. We took Farrah for a walk, Andrew made tacos for dinner, the kids practiced piano, and then we watched two dramatic episodes of Lost.  I had blood work this morning in preparation for tomorrow, chemo #2. Ready to get this one behind me. 

Worked from home and had a pretty busy day. Being busy is good. I picked Lucia up from track, read, tidied up the house to prepare for the cleaners tomorrow. We had dinner when Greta got home from crew. Just anxious to get to Wednesday. Still so much hair shedding. It seems incredible that you can't tell. At least not yet. I mean, there is not an infinite amount of hair on my head; at some point the shedding will either stop, or it won't. Scalp cooling doesn't work for everyone. But from what I've read, if I were going to actually lose all my hair, this is the time when it would happen. Any stranger looking at me at wouldn't be able to see much difference from how a non-chemo-patient's hair looks. Hope it stays this way. But honestly, if it doesn't, it's the very least important thing. I will deal with it and then it will grow back. I'll transfer my vanity to the dramatic press-on nails Molly has provided. Tomorrow I'm going into the office for t...

Andrew and I started the day by taking Farrah on a long walk in Frick Park. The park looks so pretty in the snow. It's going to warm up this week and I'll be sorry when our January-long snow cover finally melts.  The girls and I went to Shadyside this afternoon to shop at Francesca's, teen/tween heaven, because Lucia needed gifts for two birthdays and Greta needed a dress for an upcoming middle-school dance. Greta surprised me this morning by announcing that her new aesthetic is "cottagecore." She said she will be wearing light colors, floral prints, dresses, and skirts. For anyone who hasn't seen Greta in the past year, just know that this is a far cry from the all-black, dresses-are-banned, sweatpants-and-hoodie uniform she's been firmly attached to. She found two dresses she liked, both floral print with tiered skirts, on sale. I bought her both. (Tonight, when I said goodnight to her, she said, "I'd kiss you, but I just put on my Laneige....

Somehow, it is still January. I ran some errands this morning at Target and Trader Joe's. Andrew and I took Farrah on a long walk along Panther Hollow Trail. I made a batch of chili for the freezer. Lucia went to a birthday party. Andrew, Greta, and I played Splendor. For dinner, Andrew made pizzas on the Ooni. When Lucia got home, we watched two episodes of Lost.  A nice Saturday, until the news breaks through and the dark chaos overwhelms. It gets worse every day, and it's impossible not to speculate about what's next.  More long walks, more Lost. Less speculation. 

The end of a long weird week. It seemed like it lasted for two weeks. Today was work, school, ordering in from How Lee, Lost, and The Way Home. Molly sent us a set of press-on nails that she's obsessed with, and Lucia and I both gave ourselves very fancy manicures. Typing is difficult. I'm starting to shed a lot of hair--what the scalp-cooling people said would happen exactly at this point. Nutmeg is going through a molt right now, tufts of hair flying, so she and I are basically on a joint quest to destroy our vacuum cleaner. I'm going to do a digital detox this weekend. Everything I read upsets me. I don't have the mental space for that right now.  

Back to normal routines of in-person school. I worked from home, a pretty busy day. Lucia had track practice and then both kids had piano lessons. Andrew returned from Texas. We watched one episode of Lost.  I'm trying not to spiral over the news but it's hard not knowing what crazy plans are being made for health orgs, including the NIH. The clinical trial I'm in is...funded by the NIH. See? Best to avoid the news. I may have to withdraw the kids from school so we can just watch Lost nonstop and forget about everything else.

Another remote school day for the kids, though today they had more work to do. Lucia's took her all day. Fortunately she had tutoring tonight and was able to work with her tutor on finishing everything up for physics and algebra 2. We of course enjoyed our new tradition of this week, Lunch n' Lost, where we eat lunch together while watching an episode of Lost. I don't want them to go back to in-person school tomorrow.  I actually left the house/yard today to take Lucia to tutoring, and the windshield wipers were so completely encased in ice that I couldn't get them to work even after driving for ten minutes. It's still very very cold. (And I still don't feel very cold myself.)  I made sheet pan quesadillas for dinner and we watched a paltry one episode of Lost since it's a school night. It seems incredible that it is still January. There is so much January left that I still have a January chemo treatment coming up. Truly the month that never ends. 

Remote school day because of extreme cold. The kids didn't have too much to do, and it really was just another day at home. They did the little work they were assigned, read, worked on a story (Greta), and Facetimed with a friend about mystical predictions (Lucia).  Besides working, I also put together two Snapfish photo books of family photos from 2023 and 2024--I make one every year and was a little behind. It was unsettling to look through a year's worth of pictures from 2024, all those fun events and memories, knowing that through it all I was completely oblivious to the ticking bomb that would, come November, blow up my entire life.   Of course we finished off the day with a bunch of episodes of Lost. It's getting more and more incomprehensible and strange, but also fantastic. We are so invested in these characters.

A restful holiday. Andrew left this morning for Texas, his flight taking off without any problems despite the freezing temperature. The girls slept in, and then, with their breakfast, we watched an episode of Lost, the first of the day. In danger of watching Lost for the ENTIRE day, we tried to pace ourselves, breaking every few episodes for lunch, room-cleaning, studying (Greta), showering (Lucia), reading (me), two rounds of Unstable Unicorns, and dinner. It was very cozy to just hang out with the girls all day instead of having them disappear into their rooms--Lost was the perfect show to get them to spend many hours with me downstairs. I crocheted a new baby bunny pattern while we watched, too.  School will be remote the next two days because of the extreme cold, which means no dropoffs, pickups, or sports. I'll be working from home. It's going to be a nice quiet week, though "quiet" isn't quite right since the kids are finding it hilarious to hurl insulting n...

A relaxing day at home. Andrew and I took Farrah on a snowy walk to the library so I could pick up a book. I did laundry, put dinner in the slow cooker, and bought a new crochet pattern on Etsy. At lunchtime, the girls and I began a Lost marathon (I crocheted while watching). We paused for a while in the late afternoon, had dinner, and then resumed. We have one more episode of season one.  Andrew leaves tomorrow for a work trip--his first since the ill-fated trip to Peru he was on when I got my diagnosis. He's going to time his trips for the third week of my chemo cycles, when we're hoping I consistently feel good. Right now I feel great. Wednesday will complete week two of this three-week cycle. I'm actually feeling a little impatient to get to the next treatment--I just want this chemo stage to be over. But I also understand that this can't be rushed, and I do feel very grateful for each of these days that have been completely normal. I feel just a vast appreciation f...

Went to Target this morning with Andrew to do a little stocking up on pantry items, paper products, and over the counter meds, for no other reason than just giving in to the unsettling unknowns of the next week/s. I feel better when I feel prepared for disruptions.  The four of us played Splendor in the afternoon, I crocheted a snowman, and our friends came over for happy hour. We made hot spiced cider with bourbon. No bourbon for me, though; I'm not drinking for the forseeable future, at least until chemo is over.  We ordered Pizza Hut for dinner and the girls and I watched several episodes of Lost while Andrew watched football. It's such a good show. Farrah, extra cuddly, lay across my lap for most of the time.  Greta and I spent some time this afternoon trying to comb Nutmeg. We made a little progress with me distracting her by petting her head and Greta combing her. I have never seen a creature shed so much. Fur is sticking out everywhere. She looks like a wild bun li...

Another week down. I worked, Andrew worked and brought the Volvo in for its inspection, Lucia had a haircut. Tonight the girls and I watched an episode of Lost and then the new episode of The Way Home. A nice way to end the week.  Nutmeg started the day off by hiding under the bed and refusing to eat. Greta was able to hold her so I could give her some meds before school, and by mid-afternoon she was back to normal. She is shedding a lot right now and I'm determined to figure out this weekend how to thoroughly comb her to get rid of the shedding fur--not easy, since she runs away at the sight of the comb. It's going to take some finagling.

The kids had a snow day today--their first of this winter. They both slept in late, watched some TV shows, played outside for a little while, and read. The three of us played Unstable Unicorns once I was done working, and all four of us played Splendor. Then they had virtual piano lessons, and we ate dinner. Andrew and I took Farrah for a walk. A nice wintry day. We have a significant amount of snow on the ground--nothing that's going to melt anytime soon.  I loved being holed up here together all day even though it meant tonight's middle- and upper-school chorus concert was cancelled and Mom and Dad weren't able to come for a visit; we were going to celebrate Mom's birthday. Our celebration will have to be postponed. Greta had made some delicious Nutella cupcakes and she's just going to have to make them again.

Totally normal day. No leg pain. Felt good. Worked, went grocery shopping with Andrew, made dinner--a new recipe from a cookbook I got for Christmas. Greta baked cupcakes for Mom's birthday tomorrow (visit is weather-dependent). Lucia had a late evening appointment with her new tutor, which went well. They worked on corrections to the dreaded physics test.  I purged some bookshelves tonight (middle-grade books mostly from library sales that the kids never read). We are constantly bringing books into the house and there's no need to hang on to any we don't love or have a sentimental attachment to. The kids have their favorite middle-grade books, to be sure, and we'll never get rid of those. But the unread, overlooked middle-grade novels can safely be offloaded now. Andrew and I have been going through our own shelves as well.  It was so cold here today but it's the strangest thing--I just don't feel it. Andrew and I took Farrah for a walk tonight and I didn't...

A beautiful snowy day. I felt almost completely normal, with the leg pains pretty much gone. I worked from home and even got out my crocheting tonight to make two little snowmen in honor of the wintry day. Andrew and I took Farrah for a snowy walk. Winter is truly the best season when it's snowing.  Lucia had track and ran six miles. Greta had crew and had what sounds like a very intense workout.  Hoping this coming week will be symptom-free. A respite before beginning cycle #2 on January 29.

I heard back from the PA this morning, who suggested I take 4mg of a steroid morning and night. This helped a ton today, and I finally felt relief from the leg pain. Andrew and I also took Farrah on two walks. Moving around helps and I'm determined to keep doing it, even when it feels like a big ask. I'm always glad when we go. It's freezing cold here, but I love it. I love walking on the snowy sidewalks, in the freezing air. It just feels good. I'm never cold anymore, just happily comfortable. Walking plus eating meals and snacks has been helping a lot. Still not sure if worse is to come, but I'm almost one week post-treatment now, so I'm hoping this cycle has brought all it will.  I'm trying very hard to gain back some of the weight I've lost since my surgery (I lost 10 lbs), and though I'm not putting weight on yet, I'm not losing any more, either, which I think is good. I'm drinking a Carnation Instant Breakfast every morning, and then th...

Intense leg pain made the day unpleasant, and I hope this is the height of the side effects for this cycle. Advil didn't do much to help, and at times it felt painful even to walk. Still, Andrew and I took Farrah on two walks just to make sure I kept moving; my appetite is still good, and we had a delicious dinner of baked ziti provided by Mom; and I'm not having any other symptoms. Each day will be different. I messaged the PA at my oncologist's office for advice on handling the leg pain, and I'm going to bed with a heating pad.  Otherwise, it was a quiet day. Lucia went sledding with two friends in the afternoon; Greta worked on an art project; we did laundry; Andrew went grocery shopping. We all needed a low-key weekend. 

Lots of leg soreness today that got progressively worse, but nothing that's debilitating. We all slept in and just had a quiet day here. I read a lot, the girls and I played Unstable Unicorns, the four of us played Splendor, and Greta baked a chocolate cake. Andrew went out tonight to watch the Steelers game with some friends, and the girls and I watched a few episodes of Lost.  These quiet weekend days are welcome. 

Another pretty good day. I felt a little more tired today and my legs are a little achey, too, but nothing debilitating. I was able to work, and Beth came over for a lunchtime visit. My appetite is fine and I'll take the day as a win.  Lucia had a hard day because she bombed a physics test and texted us from the upper school bathroom, where she was crying. She'll be able to correct the problems and it's going to be fine; lots of kids didn't do well. She felt better by the time she got home from school.  By tonight we were all fading. I think we're all wiped out after this week--the kids from getting back from winter break, and Andrew and I from our long Wednesday of chemo and the preparations for it. We all were happy to order dinner from Pastoli's tonight, sit by the fire, and watch The Way Home. Time for a weekend of rest. I hope it snows many many inches. 

The nurse was right: I felt fine today. I took two steroid pills in the morning and tried to drink a lot and eat normally all day. I was even able to work a full day and take our usual walk around the block with Andrew and Farrah. I'm sure there will be challenges in the days and cycles ahead but it's a relief to know my body didn't completely fall apart after the first treatment.  Nutmeg added a little ill-timed challenge last night by refusing to come out from under Greta's bed to eat her salad--the signal for an episode of GI stasis. We tried everything to get her to come out, to no avail. She even climbed into the bin of sweatshirts Greta has under her bed. Finally, Greta was able to scoop her up so I could give her the medicines we have to help with this. I was up several times during the night because I'd had so much fluid during chemo, so I checked on Nutmeg throughout the night. At 11, I couldn't find her at all, and only when I retrieved my phone for th...

Chemo #1. We dropped the kids off early at school and went to Magee, where I had blood work and then met with one of my doctor's PAs. She gave me a lot of information about possible reactions and side effects and how we can deal with them, and answered a ton of my questions (one of them, frivolously, was whether I can travel during the kids' spring break if I'm feeling well enough, and the answer was surprisingly yes if I mask on a plane).  Then I went back to the Women's Cancer Center to get set up. First Andrew and I had to get the scalp cooling system ready. The machine was there and ready to go, and we just had to hook up the various caps and helmets. The woman who distributes the caps came down to check and make sure we had everything set up correctly, and tightened my cap and helmet much more than we had.  My nurse then started the pre-meds, and then it was time for taxol. We put on my frozen mittens and booties (an attempt to prevent neuroplathy), and then the dr...

I worked today from home, but really the only thing on my mind was tomorrow's chemo appointment. Andrew and I spent time tonight getting my scalp-cooling cap properly fitted to my head, packing up various things we think I'll need, and downloading things to watch on his iPad.  The kids both had sports after school, we had leftovers for dinner, Greta studied for a test, and both practiced piano. I hate the feeling that I'm entering a period where I will possibly hit new health lows. But this is an essential step to getting to the maintenance phase, so I'm ready to begin.

Back to work today for the first time since late November. I worked from home and just went through emails and had a Zoom meeting with my boss. It's good to have a distraction, but after all this--what I've been through and what I'm about to go through--it's hard to feel like work matters very much. It's very far down my list of priorities right now. But I can't stay on leave forever, so for now, I'm back. Andrew and I had a virtual meeting with a representative from the scalp cooling company, who was very helpful and offered a lot of good tips for going through chemo--things to bring, etc. I'm going to ice my hands and feet during treatment to try to prevent neuropathy, a possible side effect, and Andrew went out tonight to get the things I'll need for this since my Amazon order is unlikely to arrive in time.  Greta's crew practice was cancelled, but Lucia did have track practice and ran in the snow. Homework, practicing, dinner. One episode of ...

Final day of winter break. Andrew and I went out for brunch at Butterjoint with Beth and Nate. Then Andrew went grocery shopping, we took Farrah on a walk around the block, the girls and I played Unstable Unicorns (Greta won one round and I won the other), and we all played Splendor (Lucia won). We ordered Mad Mex for dinner and watched a few episodes of Lost. Later, while the kids were getting ready for bed, Andrew and I went through the training videos for the scalp cooling device I'll be using on Wednesday. It's cumbersome, and uncomfortable, but if it actually works it'll be fully worth it.  It started snowing tonight, with the promise of more overnight, but WT did not cancel school; the kids have only a two-hour delay tomorrow.

Final days of winter break for the kids. Andrew and I took down the trees today and packed away the Christmas decorations. I feel like I only enjoyed them halfway this year; we decorated in a fever between Toronto and my surgery, and then I was upstairs recovering for the first two weeks of December. And now we wanted to get everything cleaned up before chemo starts on Wednesday.  The girls and I played two rounds of Unstable Unicorns, and the four of us played Splendor. I love playing games and am sorry that the pace of the regular year--school, sports, hecticness--usually prevents us from playing more often. I made a honey garlic chicken with rice tonight, and then the girls and I watched the first three episodes of Lost--a show I never watched when it was out in the early 2000s. We liked it.  Laundry, plant watering, reading, walking Farrah. A nice Saturday. I'm not ready for this break to end because I like having the kids around all the time, but we need to get this next ...

Andrew and I went first thing in the morning to the appointment for my scalp cooling helmet. I'm glad this is an option for me and hope it makes at least this one element of this upcoming ordeal a bit easier. Then we ran some errands to do the last of my Christmas returns. In the middle, I got a call about the results from my genetic testing: I do not have a gene mutation that could have been passed on to the girls. This is a huge relief.  Some days there just feels like too much information coming at me all at once. I take it all in as best I can. In the afternoon, the girls and I played two rounds of Unstable Unicorns, and then all for of us played Ticket to Ride. Lucia won both games.  It snowed a few inches today--wintry and beautiful. The kids played outside for a while despite the extreme low temperature. Tonight, finally, was the season 3 premiere of The Way Home. Lots of new mysteries and questions. Farrah is still snuggled right up next to me, by the fire, nested in b...

Forgetting what day it is. The day tripped along. A bright spot was that I tested negative for covid and so could rejoin the family without a mask, and begin moving back downstairs from the attic. We all went to B&N so the kids could spend gift cards they'd gotten for their birthdays. We watched a few episodes of The Way Home. Andrew made chicken and dumplings for dinner. I also got news that scalp cooling will be an option during chemo, and made an appointment for a fitting tomorrow. In the meantime, I was instructed to cut my hair above my shoulders--about six inches shorter than it's been. I tried in the afternoon to find a salon with an appointment, then just gave up and did it myself, chopping it off in the bathroom. It's uneven but so be it. My hair hasn't been this short since I was in my early/mid twenties.

I've always disliked January 1, the weight of the upcoming year pushing me down. But we had a nice day together, me still masking with COVID. We played some games (Bananagrams, Unstable Unicorns, Splendor, Ticket to Ride). Andrew took the girls ice skating at the rink in Schenley, and I walked around in the pretty snow around the track. All the activity around the holidays really helped with my surgery recovery, and I'm able to walk around at length now. We watched a few episodes of The Way Home season one in preparation for the start of season two on Friday. We listened to a bunch of songs to help Lucia choose one for her musical audition, revisiting songs from Descendants that we once listened to endlessly. A nice family day.  No resolutions for me this year except getting through the next eighteen weeks and then moving forward and learning to live with this. An appreciation, even a reverence, for daily life is what I'm taking away from the absolute hellscape that was 202...