The Crying

I’d heard about the baby blues. But wow, have I gone for an emotional roller-coaster ride in the past week. Yesterday was the first day I got through without crying uncontrollably. It’s now 2:45pm, and I haven’t cried yet today, which may make this day #2 without tears. Prior to these days, I cried pretty much every time I looked at the baby. I cried when we left the hospital, and when we got home. I cried when I realized my smallest maternity jeans are almost too big. I cried when I realized I’m now within three pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight and I look almost as skinny as I used to. I cried because I wished I could put Lucia back into my belly and just start all over again. I cried because I miss being pregnant. I cried while eating cereal and reading the New York Times at the breakfast table because I looked up and spotted the stroller and thought about all the care we took in picking it out and realized it’s for her.

Yesterday I felt very together. Today, together, but a bit edgy about it, as though anything at all might set me off. I’m trying my best to keep my wits about me. I shower every day, get dressed, put makeup and lipstick on. Only today do I really have an appetite, but I’m trying my best to eat at least some soup and yogurt and milk during the day. Trying to keep it together. Not always easy.