Really Fun Games
Before Lucia was born, I got an offer in the mail to get a three-year subscription to Parenting magazine for $12. I bought it; I didn’t have any other parent-themed magazines, so I thought, why not. But now I wish I’d kept that $12 and used it to buy three cupcakes at Crumbs, a delicious bakery on the UWS. Parenting, like the equally hideous Family Circle, which my parents, for some reason, still subscribe to after what must be twenty-odd years, caters to the lowest-common-denominator of parents (i.e., moms), the ones who seek out articles that promise that you’ll LOVE YOUR BODY—NAKED! and who seek you-go-girl marriage advice at a newsstand. These magazines are so desperate to produce content month after month after month that they resort to absurdity cloaked as earnestness, going on faith that readers won’t pick up on the fact that the suggestions are completely insane—so insane that, in a different venue, they’d seem clearly tongue-in-cheek. My dad recently shared a tip he’d read that a good, quick way to gussy up a room is to cover the ceiling in tin foil.
The only good thing about Parenting is that it often makes me laugh. I was reading the current issue as I pumped a couple of nights ago and came across these amazing tidbits, part of an article titled “Get Wet! Make a splash with these fun activities.” These qualify as some of the most insipid games ever created. I mean, “created.” Little creativity, as I think you'll agree, went into these.
Fun Game #1:
“Freeze! Place plastic bugs, toy cars, or other small treasures in your cube tray, add water, and freeze. Then hand a piece of ice to your child (age 3 and up) and have her melt it in her hands until the prize emerges.”
Commentary:
Besides the fact that watching ice melt could not be more boring, this is actually a painful suggestion. I attempted to practice breathing techniques for a natural birth by holding ice cubes in my hand for minutes at a time, a tip from a natural-childbirth book I had. Seriously? Watching ice cubes melt? Also, what kind of monster-sized ice-cube trays are large enough to hold a Matchbox car? That's not a cube of ice; that's a brick of ice.
Fun Game #2:
“Drink up. Encourage your child to try water flavored with different ingredients. Include slices of cucumber, lemon, lime, orange, and various berries (raspberry, strawberry, blueberry)—and see which one she likes best.”
Commentary:
So we have both watching ice melt and drinking water as great ways to spend a summer day. I personally love the completely unnecessary parenthetical aside, as though there were some ambiguity around the suggestion “various berries.” It has the telltale ring of an overzealous copyeditor. (“Author: what kind? need specifics.”) Personally, I have no interest in cucumber water unless I’m at a spa, where it seems somehow very refreshing when accompanied by a fluffy white robe.
The other eight “fun” activities in this article are less stupid, but only just. (Bathing your kiddos in a baby swimming pool to “take advantage of a warm summer evening” sounds fun until you start considering the hassle of rinsing out all the soap; and using the stream from a hose to push balls around the grass gives me a water-wasting shudder. That game would be illegal in California, I think.) Perhaps I should try to pitch Parenting with my own suggestions of fun water games for summer. These seem to match the tone and spirit:
Suggestion #1: Drop it! Give your child an eye dropper filled with water and have them squeeze out one drop a minute until the dropper is empty.
Suggestion #2: Wet blanket. Have your child use an eyedropper to soak a queen-sized quilt, one drop at a time. After several hours, when it’s soaking wet, wrap her up in it and give her a squeeze!
Suggestion #3: Painting with water. Give your child a bucket of water and a large paintbrush. Let her “paint” the sidewalk. It’ll dry as she goes, returning to regular pavement-color—which means she can just start all over again!
Oh, wait. Painting with Water was actually a favorite activity in the Orlando household during very early childhood, and there really is something satisfying about it. I take that one back. It’s way, way better than watching ice melt, no question.
The only good thing about Parenting is that it often makes me laugh. I was reading the current issue as I pumped a couple of nights ago and came across these amazing tidbits, part of an article titled “Get Wet! Make a splash with these fun activities.” These qualify as some of the most insipid games ever created. I mean, “created.” Little creativity, as I think you'll agree, went into these.
Fun Game #1:
“Freeze! Place plastic bugs, toy cars, or other small treasures in your cube tray, add water, and freeze. Then hand a piece of ice to your child (age 3 and up) and have her melt it in her hands until the prize emerges.”
Commentary:
Besides the fact that watching ice melt could not be more boring, this is actually a painful suggestion. I attempted to practice breathing techniques for a natural birth by holding ice cubes in my hand for minutes at a time, a tip from a natural-childbirth book I had. Seriously? Watching ice cubes melt? Also, what kind of monster-sized ice-cube trays are large enough to hold a Matchbox car? That's not a cube of ice; that's a brick of ice.
Fun Game #2:
“Drink up. Encourage your child to try water flavored with different ingredients. Include slices of cucumber, lemon, lime, orange, and various berries (raspberry, strawberry, blueberry)—and see which one she likes best.”
Commentary:
So we have both watching ice melt and drinking water as great ways to spend a summer day. I personally love the completely unnecessary parenthetical aside, as though there were some ambiguity around the suggestion “various berries.” It has the telltale ring of an overzealous copyeditor. (“Author: what kind? need specifics.”) Personally, I have no interest in cucumber water unless I’m at a spa, where it seems somehow very refreshing when accompanied by a fluffy white robe.
The other eight “fun” activities in this article are less stupid, but only just. (Bathing your kiddos in a baby swimming pool to “take advantage of a warm summer evening” sounds fun until you start considering the hassle of rinsing out all the soap; and using the stream from a hose to push balls around the grass gives me a water-wasting shudder. That game would be illegal in California, I think.) Perhaps I should try to pitch Parenting with my own suggestions of fun water games for summer. These seem to match the tone and spirit:
Suggestion #1: Drop it! Give your child an eye dropper filled with water and have them squeeze out one drop a minute until the dropper is empty.
Suggestion #2: Wet blanket. Have your child use an eyedropper to soak a queen-sized quilt, one drop at a time. After several hours, when it’s soaking wet, wrap her up in it and give her a squeeze!
Suggestion #3: Painting with water. Give your child a bucket of water and a large paintbrush. Let her “paint” the sidewalk. It’ll dry as she goes, returning to regular pavement-color—which means she can just start all over again!
Oh, wait. Painting with Water was actually a favorite activity in the Orlando household during very early childhood, and there really is something satisfying about it. I take that one back. It’s way, way better than watching ice melt, no question.
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