More Stupid Games

Another month, another issue of Parenting, another selection of inane activities for children. This month, I wasn’t sure I’d find anything suitably ridiculous to blog about until I came across this suggestion for an activity that’s “perfect for pairs,” in the monthly “Play” column:

Bash the trash. Encourage the kids to go through the recycle bin and create ways to turn the (non-glass) items into musical instruments, castles, or doll cribs.

So many things about this give me pause. First of all, I’m a careful, protective mom myself, but there’s no way on God’s green earth to create a satisfying musical instrument out of garbage unless glass bottles are in play. With a glass bottle you can blow across the top, tap it with things, fill it with things to shake—and, yes, break it and slice a little hand open. Which brings me to point number two. Really? This activity is all this writer could come up with for a fun thing for a couple of kids to do? Digging in the trash? I don’t know about anyone else, but my own recycling bag is a sticky, disgusting mix of soggy paper, half-washed-out yogurt cups, and beery sludge. The sighting of a large silverfish in the recycling bag’s vicinity last week makes me even more appalled of the idea of anyone, let alone my baby, digging around for trash to “bash.” And finally, I consider myself a creative person—but I am at a loss as to what I might find in my recycling bag that could be turned into a castle or a doll crib. I’m drawing a blank, a complete blank, and I don’t think it’s from lack of sleep. I think this is just a really stupid idea for a “game.”

A few pages later, I found an article about how to create an enriching, preschool-like environment for your child without actually sending him or her to preschool. I don’t know whether we’ll do preschool for Lucia or not, but I certainly hope I do create enriching, interesting daily activities for her—that our day-to-day life is full of fun, creative wonders. But here are a few things I will not be doing with her, despite the fact that Parenting recommends them as ways to “create your own dynamic learning lab.” The subject headings are Parenting’s.

Ecology: Turn over a dead log to check out a hidden critter hotel; slugs, snails, millipedes, centipedes, and pill bugs—which, by the way, are crustaceans like lobsters and not insects at all—love the dark warmth of a log shelter. Observe them with a magnifying glass.

COMMENTARY: Um, no. I will not be turning over rotting logs to check out the bugs. The hideous em-dash aside about the pill bug just makes this activity all the more nightmarish. A caveat: I do not have a son. I suspect a little boy might actually enjoy this. Lucia and I, however, will steer clear.

Food Science: Learn everything about how your favorite treats get made with a behind-the-scenes tour of a food-manufacturing plant.

COMMENTARY: I was asleep before I even finished reading this sentence. And also, how many of this magazine’s readers really live near, oh, the Twinkie plant? How does this stuff get published?

Botany: Visit a public garden or a local nursery to learn about how plants grow; with permission, take a cutting to replant at home.

COMMENTARY: Visiting a garden actually does sound fun. But I just had to roll my eyes at the clearly copyeditor-added clarification “with permission.” I love the image of a wild toddler uprooting flowers right and left, screaming, “Cuttings! Cuttings! More cuttings!”

Economics: Dump out the change bowl and explain to her what each coin is called. […] Then take the booty to a coin-counting machine and exchange it for paper cash. Give your little tycoon two of the dollars you collect and head to a local dollar store. Let her pick out two things and pay for them herself (you’ll have to spot her the tax!).

COMMENTARY: This sounds suspiciously like shopping.

I need to tie this up, but first, my own contributions to the non-preschool preschool selection:

Genetics: Go to a local barber shop. With permission, root around in the recycling bin and find a sticky bottle covered in hair clippings. At home, look at the clippings under a microscope, and try to figure out whose head the hair might have come from. The man who works at the grocery store? Your neighbor? See how many hair clippings your lil’ one can stick to her hand!

Chemistry: Walk around your neighborhood on recycling day and find (plastic) bottles and cans that still have a bit of liquid in them. Have your tot pour these dregs into a Tupperware container. See how the liquid changes color each time she adds soda, beer, vodka, or coffee!