Change Is Coming

With just four weeks to go until my due date, I’m becoming a bit overwhelmed by the reality of what’s about to happen. I can’t quite put my finger on any specific piece that suddenly seems so big; but something we knew all along—LIFE IS GOING TO CHANGE—now seems somehow more urgent, more all-consuming. Parent-friends have told us some of their own experiences of how much their normal routines changed with the arrival of a child (no time to read the New York Times; no more going to the bathroom as a solo activity), but of course this is difficult to understand from an outsider’s point of view. No time to read the paper? Surely I’ll have time to read the paper. (I hear you laughing, friends.)

What seems to be my sticking point is that our big change has a date attached to it. Not a firm date—October 17 may very well come and go with no baby, or the baby may decide to arrive before that—but a date nonetheless, a more or less fixed point in the month of October that will mark a genuine before and after, a true life transformation. Is there any other time in life when you can actually count down to such a change?

Over the past few days I’ve been struggling to pinpoint other momentous life events that could truly be considered transformative—events that I knew going in would change me and my life completely. Going to college, I suppose, is one. Moving to New York is another. Leaving New York and moving to Barcelona (and starting my cohabitation with Andrew) is a third. Surprisingly, I don’t really consider marriage one of these events—Andrew and I had already been living together for almost a year, and the marriage marked a deepening and intensifying of our relationship, but things were more or less the same the next day as they had been the day before. The other events fall short of this kind of instant transformation as well. Moving to Barcelona was a huge change, but not necessarily an immediately skin-sloughing transformation; yes, we traveled like we’d never traveled before; yes, we lived around the corner from La Pedrera. But at the end of the day we went grocery shopping, cooked dinner, read books. The day-to-day of our life may have occurred in a beautiful place, but at its core our day-to-day life was the same. During graduate school in New York, I was more independent than I was in college; but I was still taking classes and, for much of that time, cooking inadequate instant food. And though college marked my first time as an adult living on her own, I’m not sure I consider it instantly transformative. I grew into myself (though there was much growing still to be done)—which is different from changing dramatically from one fully-formed, fully-realized person into another.

Maybe this is the crux of it. These events marked transformations, but they happened slowly, gradually—only on the other side, after a great deal of time, could I really comprehend the change. They’re not events so much as stages that shaped who I am, made me aware of what’s important, changed my priorities, beliefs, and view of the world. But to pinpoint actual events—brief moments—that I knew in advance would change everything about me and my life from top to bottom? I see now that there are none. And that is perhaps why October 17 looms on my calendar like a kind of void (a happy void) that I can’t see across. I’m not sure who I’ll be yet on the other side.

I may be overdramatizing what’s about to happen. But I find myself now in the mindset of goodbyes and “last times”—the last time we’ll be in Tahoe without a baby, the last time we’ll spend a whole day reading on the couch, the last time we’ll be two. We couldn’t be more excited to meet our baby—she’s kicking; I heard the heartbeat yesterday; she’s currently about five pounds—but I’m realizing it’s the end of something, too, as though I’m leaving some beloved place behind forever. It was the right time to leave New York; it was the right time to leave Barcelona; but I still cried when I locked, for the last time, the doors to the places where I lived. What I’m feeling is a little like that.

Comments

PletcherFamily said…
There is no way to explain the life change a child makes until you have lived it yourself. Don't let your friends scare you. The change is, in its own way, drastic and gradual.

Drastic because you have another person who just "appeared out of nowhere", but gradual in the fact that you are not going to become a sheltered shut in. You will probably be at home for the first little bit while you get used to being a family, but during that time - you WILL read the newspaper. I always read while I fed Arlington, and read TO Arlington while I fed Finley. You will become the ultimate multi-tasker!

I caught up on movies, and trash TV, and magazines. I made phone calls to friends and family.

And then, GRADUALLY - I went back to being a normal person. Your baby will fit into YOUR life. Your baby will adjust. You will put your baby on a schedule that fits your lifestyle - not the other way around. We fed Arlington every 3 hours, and during or around that time - we went shopping, and out to dinner, and out with friends, and so on and so on.

Don't think that because a baby is coming that your old life is over by any means. You just have a new person to share it with. You will vacation differently because you will see it through HER eyes, and that makes it so much better. You will shop and point out new finds to your baby.

Read your baby the New York Times. She would love the sound of your voice - she won't care what you are reading!!

She will nap. A lot. And while she does - get a shower. Go to the bathroom. Take a bath. That is why they invented baby monitors.

We have a rule in our house - bathroom time is MOMMY time. Unless you are dying or bleeding to death, you can stay on the other side of the door for 30 seconds.

This is really long, but I just wanted to say - you are going to do GREAT.
bridget said…
oh man i LOVE this post! i think it really captures the spirit of the last few weeks from no-kid-life to new-kid-life! everyone was always telling us to enjoy these "last few moments alone" and similar advice to what you've been getting -- go out to eat, go to movies, etc! and we did, but it was hard to "enjoy" it, because we were so impatient to meet the baby who would be gus!

and it's true, he WAS kind of a nuclear babyhead who exploded into our lives causing utter chaos in every direction possible for weeks and maybe even months after his birth. i'd say in some ways we are still recovering today :) we DIDN'T put him on a schedule -- we feed him on demand and we co-slept (co-sleep!) with him and it's true, this kind of lifestyle where we made room for him in our lives instead of the other way around means a lot more work for everyone in the beginning for sure, but we found a way that really works for us and for him that we find is ultimately the most respectful way we know how to be parents to our amazing kid. just like you and andrew will find the best way to be amazing parents to your wonderful kid.
i hope the next few weeks go both as quickly and as slowly as you want them too :) i think these last few weeks are the best and the worst part about pregnancy!!! at least you can feel confident that you look absolutely smashing doing it ;)
very excited for the three of you and loving checking in from time to time to see how things are going on your journey!